Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week we have another slang map, featuring the notorious shit pit of Canberra and its surrounding shit towns such as Wollongong and Wagga Wagga. In case you missed them, the previous maps in this series were Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth and New Zealand. Gold Coast, Sunshine Coast, Newcastle and Tasmania are in the pipeline.
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Canberra Slang Map
A slang map of Canberra and surrounds created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Shit Town: Lithgow
Cold, grey and stranded in the Blue Mountains, Lithgow is deader than a baby in a dingo’s den. The miserable ghost town is inhabited by packs of listless mountain people with pallid skin and dead eyes, all permanently adorned in trackpants, otherwise known as ‘trackie daks’ or ‘sex offender trousers’. The only daytime activities in town are sitting around, watching tumbleweeds roll down the main street and staring at people, while ‘nightlife’ consists of sitting around, getting smashed on cheap piss, watching the odd drag race down the main street and staring at people. If you do plan to visit, be warned that cracking a smile in Lithgow will get you beaten up.
Lithgow’s industry consists of numerous mines, mills, plants and factories all closing down as fast as they can. The only things still operating there are a train station that does a roaring trade on departures and a maximum-security prison. Lithgow was the site of the Small Arms Factory, a weapons plant manned entirely by people with small arms. The factory went belly-up when it became clear that its genetically challenged workers were significantly less productive than their competitors.
Lithgow’s premier event is the annual Ironfest festival, which includes a jousting tournament and a colonial war re-enactment, attracting virgins from all over New South Wales. A popular nearby attraction is the Glowworm Tunnel, which is popular mainly because it provides visitors with an excuse to briefly leave Lithgow. The disused railway tunnel is filled with glowing lights which are mistakenly believed to be glowworms but are actually the illuminated eyes of Lithgow locals lurking in the shadows and staring at tourists. In Lithgow, it’s not just the bracing cold that will give you shivers.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sydney, NSW — Man rescued after being kidnapped and tortured for ransom; peaceful protestors attacked by huge mob of violent churchgoers; woman hospitalised after being bitten by octopus
Tewantin, QLD — Three 12-14-year-old girls charged after 13-year-old girl kidnapped, tortured and stabbed
Townsville, QLD — Meth-head jailed after biting hotel manager and dragging him outside with her teeth; 3 cop cars rammed by stolen ute; 13-year-old boy accused of robbing woman at knifepoint in her own home
Shepparton, VIC — Druggo tries to cook mate’s head in sandwich press
Maitland, NSW — Teacher charged with assault after brawling with kids in classroom
Menindee, NSW — River clogged with millions of rotting dead fish
Perth, WA — Passenger tasered and dragged off plane after refusing to move seats; fugitive found after ordering Uber Eats under his real name
Adelaide, SA — Homemade ebike explodes, starting grass fire
Gold Coast, QLD — $150k classic Commodore written off after mechanic crashes it during joyride
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit