STOA Newsletter #27
Vote for Queensland's Shittest Town!
Welcome once again to the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
After determining the shittest town, city and suburb in Victoria for 2021, we now move on to the Sunshine State, beginning with our poll for Queensland’s Shittest Town. We’ve set the population threshold between the town and city categories at 100,000 people, so this week’s poll is comprised of places below that size, while the likes of Ipswich, defending champ Logan and perennial power rankings powerhouse Townsville will feature in the next poll in a fortnight. Scroll to the end of this email to vote for Queensland’s Shittest Town!
Also this week: we follow up last week’s review of Kempsey by revisiting its local rival Port Macquarie, showcase a selection of Facebook feedback from some of Kempsey’s finest scholars, and mourn the demise of the trans-Tasman travel bubble with the season finale of our Bubble Buddy series, starring the New Zealand disaster magnet of Christchurch.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Throwback: Port Macquarie
Named after an autocratic governor with a penchant for massacring Aboriginal people and stealing their children, Port Macquarie was founded as a brutal penal settlement before becoming a prison for old people waiting to die. The seaside snorefest is overrun with two of Australia’s biggest pests: koalas and the elderly, two demographics known for their low energy levels, weak eyesight and disgusting mating habits. When they aren’t going to town on a gum tree or indulging in some casual racism, Port Macquarie’s inmates are fond of doing serious fuck-all. If New York is ‘The City that Never Sleeps’, Port Macquarie is ‘The City that Barely Stays Awake’. In fact, boredom has been legally mandated in the town to avoid overstimulating the locals. Port Macquarie has been named the least affordable smaller city in Australia, although the income stats are somewhat skewed because everyone is either retired or a marsupial.
Port Macquarie’s main visitor attraction is the Hello Koalas Sculpture Trail, where tourists can peruse over 60 individually hand-painted statues of chlamydia-riddled four-thumbed freaks. If you’d prefer to surround yourself with leathery geriatrics whipping out their wrinkled bits, opt for a day at a local beach. Otherwise, there are always the time-honoured tourist favourites of running all the way home while screaming or driving your rental car off the nearest cliff.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
(Ex-)Bubble Buddy: Christchurch
Located in Canterbury in New Zealand’s South Island, Christchurch is characterised by excessive Anglophilia and flagrant flatness. Built on a landscape with the geography of a pancake, Christchurch’s obsession with the Old Country is so pronounced that the city is more English than England. Imagine sipping Earl Grey and nibbling a crumpet while bumming all the Queen’s corgis at once — that’s how English it is.
Christchurch is a city frozen in time somewhere between 1960 and the Middle Ages, and is thus populated by a diverse array of white people — old white people, young white people, skinheads, syphilitic Irish construction workers, and German freedom campers shitting in red-zoned houses (which goes some way to explaining why it’s called squatting). Locals enjoy a wide variety of activities including rugby, casual racism, Christianity, hardcore racism, and punting on the Avon River, a glorified ditch full of medical waste and murdered hookers. Popular attractions include a plethora of gardens, churches and racist restaurants, and a very roomy disabled toilet stall at Christchurch Airport which was famously used by All Black Aaron Smith.
It would be unfair to label Christchurch a shit town because of an earthquake. Let us never forget that it was a shit town long before that.
From our book Shit Towns of New Zealand, available in stores and online.
Fan Mail: Kempsey
Shit Town Power Rankings
Alice Springs, NT — Feral woman allegedly tips man out of his mobility scooter and steals his booze
Perth, WA — Spate of violent attacks and stabbings within tow truck industry; Queenslander escapes quarantine using rope of bedsheets; two separate men jailed for breaching quarantine orders
Sydney, NSW — Millionaire flees lockdown on superyacht to attend rugby game, somehow avoids prison; greedy double dipper gets both covid vaccines; British celebrity bigot allowed into Australia to compete in lockdown-themed reality show then kicked out of Australia for mocking lockdown rules
Townsville, QLD — Man stabbed at Macca’s; two kids robbed at knifepoint for their bikes; despo caught on camera stealing vibrator
Geelong, VIC — Pest jailed after threatening to shoot traffic controllers before whipping his dick out
Mackay, QLD — Entire contents of gym stolen
Deception Bay, QLD — Crim nabbed after committing home invasion while on parole and wearing GPS tracker
Mildura, VIC — Woman sentenced for stealing 26 BBQ chickens from supermarket
Kyogle, NSW — Echidna leaves trail of destruction after breaking into bottle-o
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Vote: Queensland’s Shittest Town
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 2/8. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Queensland’s Shittest Town?
Isisford
Dysart