STOA Newsletter #106
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week we share a much-requested slang map of the Gold Coast, review the shit town of Armidale (not to be confused with the shit town of Armadale), and it’s a big week for Tassie in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Gold Coast Slang Map
A slang map of the Gold Coast and surrounds created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Previous maps in this series: Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra, New Zealand.
Coming soon: Sunshine Coast, Newcastle, Tasmania.
Shit Town: Armidale
Armidale is known as ‘New England’ because it actually has four seasons, a novelty in Australia. Unfortunately, three of those seasons are winter, when the city is pelted with gargantuan hailstones and blanketed in a haze of toxic smoke from wood burners.
Aside from its shit climate, Armidale is known for its shit university, the sort of uni that people who can’t get into proper uni go to, a third-rate diploma mill churning out unemployable graduates in nonsense subjects like basket-weaving and Australian history. The majority of students make the sensible decision to study by distance learning to spare themselves the indignity of actually setting foot in Armidump.
Armidale’s prime selling point is its long and boring history. The main street is called Beardy Street, named for two of the founding settlers who had large beards, a fitting tribute to a pair of proud pioneering women. The city is awash with heritage buildings, though their aesthetic is slightly tarnished by the chicken wire encasing the balconies to prevent Armidallos from piffing beer bottles at passers-by. Armidale also hosts the annual Australian Wool Fashion Awards, which showcases the season’s hottest beanies, socks and garish jumpers, attracting nannas from across the nation. There are no entertainment options for normal people.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — Maniac armed with axe, knife and petrol tin allegedly tries to take hostages in pub; cops seek Peter Griffin lookalike over servo assault
Claremont, TAS — Unsupervised learner driver caught driving 30km/h over speed limit while 3 times over alcohol limit with 4 kids in car
Deviot, TAS — Man charged after shooting 350 kookaburras with self-loading rifle
Sydney, NSW — Cops swoop on man with ‘gun’, turns out to be rifle-shaped bong; weirdo wanted for trying to kidnap bin chicken
Terrigal, NSW — Surf club threatens to cancel woman’s membership for taking off her clothes while changing in changing room
Hobart, TAS — Plane passenger busted trying to smuggle in $5.5 million worth of drugs
Devonport, TAS — Bloke busted trying to board the Spirit of Tasmania with 20kg of weed
Adelaide, SA — Couple arrested for allegedly stealing shitloads of fuel using modified Hiace with 1000-litre tank
Melbourne, VIC — Sex shop claims people are buying all their fuck dolls so they can use freeway transit lanes
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fabulous as usual.