Welcome once again to the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week we continue our slang map series, adding Perth to Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide and New Zealand. Stay tuned for Canberra, Gold Coast, Newcastle and Hobart, and let us know in the comments if there are any nicknames that need to be included.
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Perth Slang Map
A slang map of Perth created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Shit Suburb: Armadale
Originally built around a pub and named after a vodka brand, the alcoholic country town of Armadale has in recent decades been swallowed by urban sprawl to become an outer suburb of Perth. Consequently, its population is a mash-up of inbred country bumpkins and drug-addled urban deros, who have crossbred to create a truly terrifying subspecies of bogan. The suburb’s slogan is ‘City Living, Country Style’, which is a polite way of saying the inmates are adept at smoking meth with their webbed fingers.
Armadale’s streets are adorned with piles of broken booze bottles, rows of burnt-out cars and towers of shopping trolleys. Shops and bars usually sport signs imploring customers to don footwear, as most locals tend to get around barefoot due to the difficulty of finding thongs that fit six-toed feet. The area has recently become inundated with first home buyers, as there is a surfeit of houses available at a great price because people were murdered in them. After moving in, new Armadillos quickly find themselves praying for a civilising wave of gentrification or a tactical nuclear weapon blast, whichever comes first.
Armadale’s most famous feature is the Old Jarrah Tree, an 800-year-old eucalyptus in a car park that has survived numerous attempts at ringbarking by local residents, who are jealous that the tree is the smartest inhabitant of Armadale. Another popular attraction is Pioneer World, where locals can see the historical conditions that their convict forbears endured and hope that they too might commit a crime heinous enough to see them deported to the other side of the world. Armadale is also home to Cole’s Shaft, which he will be more than happy to show you around the back of Bunnings if you ask him nicely.
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Toowoomba, QLD — Monster gronk caught on CCTV wanking all over man’s trailer and shoving glass stubby up his arse, hours after being released from prison for wanking in hospital car park while fingering his bumhole, which happened hours after being released from prison for shoving sticks up his bum in public and wanking in woman’s backyard while wearing her underwear
Alice Springs, NT — Premises on highway burgled a day after having 4 cars stolen; car stolen with kid in back seat; truck driver could lose eye after having rock thrown at him while retrieving aforementioned stolen car
Glenwood, NSW — Fucked up kids charged after allegedly murdering cat
Shepparton, VIC — Daycare centre leaves 3-year-old in bus for 5 hours
Townsville, QLD — Cops lose dangerous distraction device during siege; trespassers in 4WDs fined after causing $50k damage to nature reserve; teen arrested after kicking cop in the nuts
Burnie, TAS — Penguin requires surgery after being abused by arsehole youths
Launceston, TAS — Teen allegedly rams cop car in stolen vehicle; Tasmaniac swaps animal piss for his own in attempt to avoid positive drug test
Beaconsfield, TAS — Gronks cause $1.5m worth of damage by using stolen front end loader to break into mine to steal copper
Seymour, VIC — Middle-aged bogan and his 85-year-old mum caught doing burnout next to breath testing site
Port Pirie, SA — Woman calls for return of stolen dildo
STOA Newsletter #104
Gold Coast Nick names-
Palm Beach (Centrelink by the sea).
Nerang (Nerangatang-Vill)
Tugun (Tug-on)
Tweed Heads (Weed Heads)
Surfers Paradise (Surfers Palestine)
Varcity Lakes (Varcity Bronks)
Sanctuary Cove (Sanctimonious Cove)
Newcastle: (Newy)
Wallsend - World’s End
West Wallsend - Worse World’s End
Cessnock - Neck-nock, Cess-pit
Morpeth - More-Meth
Hamilton (+ East, South) - Hamo
Lake Macquarie - Radioactive Sewer Dump
Redhead - Ranga-Ville
Charlestown - King City
Garden City - Garden Shitty
Garden Suburb - Garden Shithole
Merewether Heights - Wankerville
Stockton - The Asylum
Kooragang Island - the Centre for Global Environmental Destruction
Hexham - Mozzie Central
Sandgate - Land of the Dead
Toronto - Tronna
Booragul - Boogerville
Valentine - False Advertising
Edgeworth - Edge of the Earth
Windale - Losedale, Methdale
Croudace Bay - Crowded Bay
Woodrising - Saw a hottie
Kilaben Bay - Kill-A-Ben-Or-Two Bay
Wangi Wangi - Whingey Whingey