STOA Newsletter #183
ACT's Shittest Town, Australia's Shittest Mango
Congratulations to Capital Hill on being voted the ACT’s Shittest ‘Town’ for 2024! The politician-infested poo pit edged out Fyshwick and Canberra to retain the brown crown for the ACT, which it also won in 2021 and 2023, either side of a win for Fyshwick.
Capital Hill will go on to compete with Port Pirie, Alice Springs, Broome, Bridgewater, Geelong, and two more shit towns or suburbs in the national finals later this year.
Here are the final standings:
Capital Hill: 22.8%
Fyshwick: 20.5%
Canberra: 18.3%
Tuggeranong: 11.2%
Belconnen: 9.7%
Oaks Estate: 6.9%
Charnwood: 6%
Gungahlin: 4.6%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for New South Wales’ Shittest Town! If you have any mates who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Bowen
Sensibly bypassed by the Bruce Highway and almost everyone on it, Bowen is best known for its Big Mango, a ten-metre-tall misshapen lump of fibreglass that looks more like a gangrenous gonad than a piece of fruit. The Big Mango was famously ‘stolen’ in 2014 in what was later revealed to be a publicity stunt for a fast-food chain. Keen-eyed observers were suspicious of the ‘theft’ from the outset as clearly no one would want to steal that piece of shit.
Bowen is also notable as one of the filming locations for the Baz Luhrmann atrocity Australia, and the site of the equally cringeworthy ‘Bowenwood’ signage which adorned a local water tower for a full decade following the film’s release. Bowen stood in for Darwin in the film, a good choice as both places are shitholes. Frankly, any town capable of doubling for Darwin in the 1940s deserves to be bombed by the Japanese. Aside from the Big Mango and the big boring water tower, visitors to Bowen can also peruse a series of 27 murals depicting typical activities in the region, such as cane farming, mining and smoking meth.
Bowen is also home to the Abbot Point coal terminal, which is ideally located thanks to the area’s deep water close to shore, its relative proximity to coalfields, and a natural garbage tip off the coast called the Great Barrier Reef, which is apparently the perfect place to dump dredging spoil. Abbot Point is used for exporting millions of tonnes of coal each year to overseas global-warming factories, which is great news for people who get a boner for bushfires.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Devonport, TAS — Man jailed for bashing brother with shovel after catching him rooting his wife in back of parked car while his mum sat in driver’s seat
Perth, WA — Gronkette arrested after allegedly punching random toddler in shopping centre
Melbourne, VIC — Thieves steal 45 new cars from car yard in 15-hour operation; gronk sets fire to clothing racks in Kmart; masked neo-Nazis march to protest about their tiny little penises
Gold Coast, QLD — High school teacher accused of flashing students; grub accused of hiding mobile phone to record people in public toilets; feral teen allegedly takes stolen 11-tonne roller on destructive rampage
Daly Waters, NT — Truckie who slapped pervert who filmed him pissing ordered to pay thousands to the creep
Townsville, QLD — New dad seeing his baby for first time has car stolen from hospital car park by teenage dad
Wangaratta, VIC — Drongo sets own arm on fire while attacking caravan with Molotov cocktails
Mildura, VIC — Carny arrested after hooning through Showgrounds and threatening worker with steel bar over pay dispute
Canberra, ACT — Gronk flees cops after they wake him up from nap in stolen car; gronk accused of pissing on ex-partner’s couch; gronk allegedly throws bong water at partner and breaks her phone over missing ciggies
Wollongbar, NSW — Elderly woman kicks cop in the dick after he catches her driving drunk
Fan Mail: Bowen
As always, the comments from the residents of the target towns reflect the what has been written by STA. The foul language , poor English, rambling paragraphs, and no understanding of sarcasm or irony speaks volumes about Bowen.
The big mango surrounded by a lot of Drongos. As one can tell in the replies from the ferals that have been on the bong too long.