STOA Newsletter #136
NT's Shittest Town Revealed
Congratulations to Darwin on being voted the Northern Territory’s Shittest Town for 2023, edging out a two-horse race with incumbent Alice Springs! The territory capital will go on to represent the NT in the national finals later this year.
This is Darwin’s first territory win, following one for Alice (2022) and a hat-trick for Tennant Creek (2019-21).
Here are the final standings:
Darwin: 26.3%
Alice Springs: 26.1%
Tennant Creek: 17%
Katherine: 8.6%
Palmerston: 7%
Humpty Doo: 6%
Wadeye: 5.6%
Yulara: 3.4%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Queensland’s Shittest Town! This will be a big one, as the Sunshine State has shat out the past four national winners (Logan/Logan/Townsville/Townsville). If you know any Banana Benders who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Darwin
Darwin is the only city in the world with more crocodiles than human beings. It’s also the only major Australian city to be levelled by the Japanese during World War II and completely destroyed by cyclones on three separate occasions, from which it has never fully recovered. The federal government maintains Darwin as a live-action replica of what could be expected to happen to an Australian city in a nuclear apocalypse.
Popular hobbies in the Northern Territory’s ramshackle capital include alcoholism, arguing over who would win a fight between a salty and a great white, and pointing out the inaccuracies in Wolf Creek. The city’s premier event is the annual Beer Can Regatta, in which contestants race boats made entirely out of empty booze tins whilst emptying several more, and NT Cracker Day, when resident youth take time out from holding up servos with kitchen knives to engage in a spot of casual arson and drive-by firework shooting. The local agenda-setter is the NT News, a bastion of quality journalism responsible for such headlines as ‘Horny ghost haunts house’, ‘Sexy granny drought’ and ‘Why I stuck a cracker up my clacker’.
Darwin markets itself as the ‘Gateway to the Outback’, despite the fact that the same slogan is claimed by every desert shithole in Australia. Darwin is also the ‘Gateway to Asia’, a much stronger selling point as the idea of fleeing to another continent is particularly appealing when you’re in Darwin. In fact, Darwin’s most popular slogan is ‘Gateway to Anywhere That Isn’t Fucking Darwin’.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Victoria Slang Map
A slang map of Victoria by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Previous maps in this series: Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra, Gold Coast, Newcastle, Illawarra, Central Coast, Sunshine Coast, Tasmania, Queensland, Western Australia, New Zealand.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Branxholm, TAS — Creep who sexually assaulted two goats avoids jail
Launceston, TAS — Man stabbed after confronting teens on roof of Kmart
Townsville, QLD — Teens do laps of youth detention centre in stolen Audi; 14-year-old charged with armed robbery; bloke caught on CCTV stealing butt plug
Adelaide, SA — 2 teens arrested after fire destroys supermarket; bar fined for offering patrons free drinks based on their bra size
Sydney, NSW — Man charged after allegedly biting cop and leading police on high-speed chase; wing-surfer wiped out by whale
Hamilton, VIC — Burglar throws bong at homeowner in attempt to escape
Perth, WA — Gronk leads police on 2-hour low-speed chase and posts it on TikTok
Kalgoorlie, WA — Woman allegedly loses toes during decapitation of iconic statue
Dubbo, NSW — Zoo gardener fights off angry ostrich with Whipper Snipper
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
You need to do an assessment on the crack head capital of the Hunter Valley town of Muswellbrook. Bogan central!!!!!