STOA Newsletter #185

Big Pile of Shit Wins Election

Congratulations to Mount Druitt on being voted New South Wales’ Shittest Town for 2024! The 2022 champ regained the brown crown after losing it last year, making it the Sydney suburb equivalent of Donald Trump in more ways than one. Other previous winners include Dubbo (2019), Blacktown (2020, 2023) and Byron Bay (2021).

Mounty County will go on to compete with Port Pirie, Alice Springs, Broome, Bridgewater, Geelong, Capital Hill, and one more shit town from Queensland in the national finals later this year.

Here are the final standings:

Mount Druitt: 15.2%
Byron Bay: 13.3%
Penrith: 7.9%
Sydney: 5.8%
Moree: 5.7%
Dubbo: 4.5%
Blacktown: 4.4%
Taree: 4.1%
Queanbeyan: 3.6%
Kempsey: 3.4%
Albury: 2.8%
Newcastle: 2.8%
Grafton: 2.7%
Bourke: 2.6%
Mullumbimby: 2.6%
Windsor: 2.6%
Wollongong: 2.3%
Bega: 2.1%
Griffith: 2.1%
Moorland: 2.1%
Lake Macquarie: 1.7%
Wagga Wagga: 1.7%
Orange: 1.4%
Tweed Heads: 1.4%
Tamworth: 1.2%

Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Queensland’s Shittest Town! It’s a big one, considering the Queensland representative has gone on to win the national title every year since we started polling in 2019 (Logan twice, Townsville twice, Toowoomba once). If you have any mates who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe

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Shit Suburb: Mount Druitt

Photo credit: Highway Patrol Images/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Boasting a sky-high crime rate, an abundance of empty schools and hordes of housos, Mount Druitt is the shining turd in the Western Sydney toilet. Commonly called Mount Dumbshitt, the shit suburb is Australia’s murder, gun crime and ‘fleeing the cops on a stolen unregistered dirt bike’ capital. Aside from unemployment, the most popular occupations in ‘Mount Druggitt’ are trying to crack the NRL (even though you are 32), working on your mixtape and stealing each other’s stuff.

Despite its name, Mount Druitt is not a mountain, adding false advertising to its long list of common local crimes which also includes urban warfare, wanton vandalism and having rat’s tails. Mount Druitt is actually a hole, which is the opposite of a mountain.

‘Mounty County’ is also the proud hometown of OneFour, a tryhard gangsta rap group so shit they were banned from touring in Australia. OneFour are popular with people who consider hoodies formal attire, punching strangers a bit of fun and a slab of Woodstock breakfast.

From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.

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Shit Town Power Rankings

1. Murwillumbah, NSW — Masked neo-Nazis gather at sacred Aboriginal site to protest about their tiny little penises

2. Gosford, NSW — Breeder pleads guilty to animal cruelty after burning dog’s balls with cleaning chemicals

3. Portland, VIC — Cops shot at by hoons; gronk walks into police station with knife, has it seized, comes back armed with iron bar to get his knife back, gets tasered

4. Warragul, VIC — Used needles left on toy shelf in department store; 12-year-old boy threatens to set fire to delivery driver’s hair if she didn’t give him McDonald’s

5. Cairns, QLD — 3 girls aged 13-17 arrested after allegedly carjacking woman while armed with scissors; weirdo allegedly breaks into business, sweeps floors, rearranges workshop, cooks BBQ, drinks everything in fridge, drives forklifts, steals Mack truck

6. Port Lincoln, SA — 3 pre-teen girls charged after allegedly robbing shops and threatening staff

7. Sydney, NSW — 17-year-old charged after allegedly riding motorbike over train platform; mum convicted after selling coke from her car with kids in back seat

8. Wollongong, NSW — Pervert pleads guilty over possession of Simpsons porn

9. Wangaratta, VIC — Woman asks her L-plater godson to do skids and burnouts at funeral service, then films it and reports it to police

10. Mount Gambier, SA — Resident puts out cannabis for trick-or-treaters