STOA Newsletter #79
A Shit Town Called Alice
Congratulations to Alice Springs on being voted the Northern Territory’s Shittest Town for 2022! This is Alice’s first win after years of effort, finally dethroning three-time champ Tennant Creek. Anus Springs will join Ports Pirie and Hedland, plus five more state/territory winners, in the national finals later in the year. Here are the full results of the NT poll:
Alice Springs: 24.9%
Tennant Creek: 22.4%
Humpty Doo: 11.5%
Katherine: 10.3%
Wadeye: 9.7%
Palmerston: 8.8%
Darwin: 7.2%
Yulara: 5.1%
Check out our Alice Springs review here.
Also in this issue: it’s a big week for vehicular havoc in the power rankings, plus we share some of the fan mail we’ve received off the back of last week’s Central Coast coverage. A lot of commenters also mentioned shit bits of the Coast that we had omitted, and two of the most common were Woy and Woy — so we’ve included a standalone piece on Woy Woy in this newsletter.
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Tasmania’s Shittest Town! If you know any Tasmaniacs who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Woy Woy
The witticisms ‘God’s waiting room’ and ‘the world’s only above-ground cemetery’ have been co-opted to describe numerous retirement towns but were originally coined by comedian Spike Milligan for the Central Coast geriatric camp of Woy Woy.
Despite his insults, the Indian-born Anglo-Irishman is celebrated as a deity in Woy Woy as the only person of note ever to pay any attention to the town. In a sort of mass-scale Stockholm syndrome, Woy Woy honours its tormentor with a permanent exhibition at the local library and, formerly, an annual festival. Milligan also has a bridge named after him in the town, after Woy Woy took literally his suggestion that they ‘build a bridge and get over it’. Fittingly, Woy Woy’s only celebrity was not even a resident but was a frequent visitor, as the illiterate cultural wasteland was the ideal place for a writer trying to escape attention. At the time, not only did Woy Woyans have no idea who Spike Milligan was, they didn’t even know what a book was—half of which remains the case.
Sadly, the comatose coffin-dodger paradise that Milligan knew is fast disappearing as property developers and hipsters alike invade at a great rate, replacing all of the derelict weatherboard and fibro shacks with apartment blocks, multistorey mansions, New Age shops peddling bullshit for post-menopausal hippies, and pretentious cafes that serve soup in teapots. Even the prince of put-downs himself would be hard-pressed to sum up the bona fide bastion of wank that Woy Woy has become. The town is still part of the Centrelink Coast, however, so there’s still a decent chance of getting beaten up at a train station, shopping centre or yoga class. Get bashed while you still can!
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Perth, WA — OnlyFans foot model allegedly stabs Woolies worker in pet food aisle; fugitive chased by herd of cows while fleeing police
Townsville, QLD — Gronk threatens shop staff with syringe; kid sentenced for going on armed carjacking rampage while high on meth; Centrelink locked down after ciggie butt scavenger assaults caretaker and threatens to cut off woman’s head
Canberra, ACT — Airport evacuated after maniac fires shots in check-in area; 3 gronks allegedly wait outside cop’s house before chasing and ramming his car; 17-year-old girl allegedly drives stolen car at cop, rams police car and bites officer
Ballarat, VIC — Psycho leaves bound and decapitated kangaroo on side of road
Gold Coast, QLD — Drunk driver punches cop after his car catches fire following crash; 4 kids arrested after allegedly crashing stolen car into parked police van
Wollongong, NSW — Man wounded after being shot with bow and arrow
Bourke, NSW — Kids allegedly steal charity event support vehicle, ram cop cars and post footage online
Devonport, TAS — Teen allegedly pulls gun on Macca’s staff
Albany, WA — Learner driver allegedly hits 164km/h while instructor asleep
Port Pirie, SA — Drunk driver flees cops after crashing into gas main; still shit
Fan Mail: Central Coast
Woy Woy - was once commonly known as 'Blacktown by the sea.'
I love the Fan Mail. It's a shame they can't express what they really think! 😁