STOA Newsletter #109
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week we add Illawarra to our slang map series, review Campbelltown, and round up all the latest shit town shenanigans in the weekly power rankings.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Illawarra Slang Map
A slang map of Illawarra and surrounds created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Previous maps in this series: Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra, Gold Coast, Newcastle, Tasmania, New Zealand.
Shit Town: Campbelltown
Campbelltown is fully sick. Fully sick in that everyone there has type 2 diabetes, gout or hepatitis C. Campbelltonians have their residency revoked if they fail to register at least three positives in an STI test.
A Sydney satellite that wasn’t flung far enough, the City of Campbelltown exists mainly as a place for Greater Sydney to store its most embarrassing residents out of sight of polite company. Common hobbies of Campbelltonians include hanging ciggies out of the gap where their front teeth used to be, begging for change at the station for a train they have no intention of catching, and slipping their electronic ankle bracelets to go and burn down a pub.
Among Campbelltown’s worst suburbs is Airds, which has a primary school and a high school conveniently located next to a juvenile detention centre, allowing for a seamless transition. The high school is Australia’s only one with its own birthing unit, methadone clinic and parole office. Airds was named after Governor Lachlan Macquarie’s wife, Elizabeth, who had AIDS.
The biggest event on the Campbelltown calendar is the Festival of Fisher’s Ghost, when the hometown of serial killers Ivan Milat and Paula Denyer celebrates the murder of a local farmer by sacrificing a virgin to Satan. The arduous task of actually finding a virgin in Campbelltown begins the day after the festival and usually takes the entire year.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sydney, NSW — Teenage dropkicks destroy school and kill hundreds of marine creatures; shitropolis loses status as Australia’s biggest city
Melbourne, VIC — Psycho mows down cyclist in hit-and-run; deer breaks into house and gets stuck; woman flashes tits and bum at girls on school trip; shitropolis now Australia’s biggest city but the extra bit is Melton
Hobart, TAS — Car rams police station, escapes before cops attend; elderly woman hospitalised after being struck by can of soft drink thrown by 13-year-old; drunk grub fined for pissing on floor of Macca’s
Yeppoon, QLD — Woman steals car with baby inside, returns baby then runs over two bystanders while stealing the car again
Alice Springs, NT — 5-tonne excavator stolen from work site
Rockhampton, QLD — Heavily pregnant girl among 3 teens arrested for ram-raids
Bathurst, NSW — Drunk gronk in G-string trashes rented apartment, throws wheelie bin and dildo at cars and tries to bite cops
Townsville, QLD — 5 kids aged 13-16 arrested after stolen car smashes into parked vehicle and 2 cop cars
Dubbo, NSW — 58-year-old suspended learner driver in unregistered and uninsured car tests positive for alcohol, cannabis and meth
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
I Enjoy your newsletters. 👍
love it, so funny