Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week we continue our slang map series, review one of the shittest towns we’ve ever reviewed, and it’s an unprecedented clean sweep for one state in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Newcastle Slang Map
A slang map of Newcastle and surrounds created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Previous maps in this series: Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra, Gold Coast, New Zealand.
Shit Town: Summer Bay
Sitting somewhere on the New South Wales coast, Summer Bay is the quintessential Aussie seaside town, featuring stunning white sand beaches, a painfully Caucasian population and an average IQ in the double digits. It also features other shit town staples such as shirtless surfer morons with suspiciously crap tattoos, a depressed economy and an old loon who shouts unsolicited advice in impenetrable slang that nobody has used since Gallipoli.
Locals can often be found hanging around the only three places in town where anything actually happens: the surf club, the cafe or the bait shop run by the aforementioned old loon. Residents of Summer Bay make up for this lack of local entertainment by rooting each other senseless. Luckily, Summer Bay features a suspiciously attractive population, something that is especially apparent when compared to the Morlocks and uggos that inhabit the likes of Yabbie Creek and Mangrove River. Consequently, many of Summer Bay’s former residents often find themselves living in Hollywood or pesting around reality television shows in the hope that someone will subscribe to their OnlyFans page.
Despite its rather sunny appearance, Summer Bay has been the target of more catastrophes than an NRL team on a Mad Monday trip to Bali. Natural disasters include a flood, a mudslide, a caravan park explosion, a cyclone and even an earthquake. This doesn’t count the sheer number of human disasters that seem to inhabit the town, including a raft of serial killers, sex pests and assorted drongos. Given the crime rate and the general level of calamity that befalls the average resident of Summer Bay, it’s a small wonder that anyone would want to live there.
Summer Bay’s reputation as a wedding destination has also taken a hit in recent years—most nuptials held there are seemingly overrun with deranged stalkers, irate exes and ghost dads. If you are considering getting hitched in Summer Bay, you are probably better off looking at Kabul if you want things to run smoothly.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — Aged care worker sentenced for robbing elderly patients; cops flee after being rammed by stolen car; meth-head jailed for smashing gravestones; cops called to woman overdosing while shoving sex toys in her vagina
Cairns, QLD — 13-year-old boy charged after allegedly stabbing man on bus
Morayfield, QLD — Bogan charged after snatching platypus from river and taking it for a train ride
Inala, QLD — Rugby league thug kicks ref in the throat
Gold Coast, QLD — Woman charged with fraud after trying to blame mobile phone driving fine on helicopter crash victim
Ingham, QLD — Pest convicted for wanking in front of woman and her adult daughter
Mackay, QLD — Gronk fronts court after ripping 10m burnout while 5.5 times alcohol limit before smashing into two parked cars in front of off-duty cop
Newell, QLD — Man bitten by croc while sleeping on beach
Nambour, QLD — Ibis tests positive for hepatitis after finding used needle in rubbish bin
Logan, QLD — Still shit
I lived in Townsville, for decades. And I loved it. It was a terrific place. But since around 2000, the place went to shit. Long time residents lining up, to get out of the place. Dangerous, meth loaded, teens, running amok, armed with knives, or whatever they can pick up. I know for a fact, I won't be going back, not even for a visit.