Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week, we’re finally ready to show you our map of Tassie. Scroll down to view it in all its uncensored glory!
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Tasmania Slang Map
A slang map of Tasmania created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster, print or T-shirt from our merch store here.
Previous maps in this series: Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra, Gold Coast, Newcastle, New Zealand.
Shit Town: Burnie
Once home to a paper mill, a paint factory and an acid plant, the Tasmanian turd pit Burnie was for many years Australia’s most polluted city, famous for its obnoxious odour and stained red sea. In fact, it was such a polluted hellhole that it inspired a Midnight Oil song, putting it in such illustrious company as the asbestos wasteland of Wittenoom and the nuclear nightmare of Maralinga. Fortunately, Burnie’s belching plants have since closed, taking with them the majority of the town’s jobs. Nevertheless, Burnie lingers like that stubborn nugget that refuses to flush and remains a major exporter of woodchips and bogans.
One of Burnie’s greatest achievements was somehow tricking cruise ships into docking there for the most disappointing stop of their tour. In Burnie it rains for approximately 26 hours per day and is so cold that thousands of sheep imported by settlers in the 1820s promptly froze to death. Local sights are limited to an unsightly port, the world’s biggest woodchip pile and a boring boardwalk along a rugged, penguin-infested coast. Strangely, it is impossible to find a parking space in Burnie even though all of the shops are boarded up.
There is no nightlife or normal entertainment in Burnie—as locals will tell you, the only thing to do there is your cousin. Residents thus resort to the traditional Tasmanian pastimes of incest, cannibalism and hooning (‘Burnie’ is short for ‘Place to do Burnouts’). Burnians are also known for their rampant homophobia—if you want to root a relative, you’d better make damn sure they’re a different gender.
Burnie: Not Worth the Journey!
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Campbelltown, NSW — Deadshit charged with murdering paramedic outside McDonald’s
Cooee, TAS — 17-year-old arrested after allegedly stabbing hospital doctor
Townsville, QLD — First-time visitor has rental car stolen, rammed into cop car and torched; driver injured after laughing kids hiff lump of wood at him from stolen car; pregnant 16-year-old sets fire to house of girl who hit on her baby daddy
Brisbane, QLD — Cops hunt mad gronk who allegedly fired AK-47, burnt down house and killed dog in violent rampage; drongo steals inoperable rifles from museum
Grafton, NSW — Machete-wielding gronk confronts cops wrapped in doona to protect from tasering, gets shot
Launceston, TAS — Lowlifes loot house of cancer patient after truck ploughs into it
Cumnock, NSW — Drongo charged with drink-driving after crashing into police station
Perth, WA — Woman accused of poisoning husband for two years
Newcastle, NSW — 11-year-old boy arrested after police chase
Sydney, NSW — Cyclist smashes bus windscreen with chain; tradie pleads guilty to wanking in public bus stop for an hour; ‘rapper music’ banned from Royal Easter Show to prevent kids being recruited by gangs