STOA Newsletter #115
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
We had such a big response to last week’s list of Australia’s dumbest regional foods that we’ve decided to run a poll to determine Downunder’s dodgiest tucker once and for all. That’s coming soon for our newsletter subscribers — stay tuned.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Suburb: St Kilda
Also known as Crap Coney Island, Shit Santa Monica or Budget Bondi, St Kilda is a trendy Melbourne beachside enclave inundated with hipsters glomming onto the suburb’s ‘heroin chic’ reputation (which is really just heroin at this point). Anything resembling actual character has been swept aside in a tide of gentrification, the bohemians and sex workers pushed out by the offspring of wealthy families desperately trying to live out their Bukowski fantasies. Despite featuring a beach strewn with medical waste and a main street littered with human refuse, St Kilda is still considered a desirable locale by the sort of people who call themselves ‘creatives’ even though they work in advertising.
St Kilda’s premier attraction is Luna Park, a kitschy amusement park famous for its horrifying ‘Mr Moon’ sculpted face entranceway, which has contributed to the nightmares of countless children and doped-up stoners who thought it would be funny to get munted and spend all day riding the Great Scenic Railway. Another popular place is St Kilda Pier, the perfect vantage point to watch the tide wash the assorted garbage in from Port Phillip Bay. The pier is also home to a colony of penguins, which makes a change from its usual disgusting denizens such as junkies, hobos and unicyclists.
St Kilda is also home to a legion of long-suffering fans of a terrible AFL team that has managed only one flag amidst decades and decades of mediocrity.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Melbourne Slang Map: Update
An updated version of the famous slang map of Melbourne by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Other maps in this series: Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra, Gold Coast, Newcastle, Tasmania, Illawarra, Central Coast, Sunshine Coast, New Zealand.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Campbelltown, NSW — Psycho fires bullet through primary school classroom window
Miles, QLD — Protester dumps 20kg of cow shit on police station counter
Gympie, QLD — Maniac arrested after allegedly running down pair of pedestrians
Townsville, QLD — 14-year-old girl accused of assaulting cop after being caught in stolen car full of kids; fun park operator reported for racing forklifts with young son
Kununurra, WA — Vengeful bull fucks up line dancers at rodeo
Melbourne, VIC — Arseholes steal 95-year-old’s mobility scooter from aged care centre car park; jumping castle company owner jailed for series of arson attacks on rivals
Gold Coast, QLD — Woman and 2 teens charged after 3 cop cars rammed by stolen Audi; 2 kids in stolen car cause 10-car highway pile-up
Launceston, TAS — Ice addict pleads guilty to wanking while on phone to female call centre operators 8 times
Adelaide, SA — Drongo busted after using car full of drugs to tow stolen car through car wash; plane passenger fined by Jetstar for wearing 6kg of clothing
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
I see enough of that Mr. Moon face as is when I'm tripping sack. No need to actually physically recreate the bad trip visions. Shit all around.
Hey Kununnarra can't be shit if they've got bulls that attack line dancers.