STOA Newsletter #134
ACT's Shittest Town Revealed
Congratulations to Capital Hill on being voted ACT’s Shittest Town for 2023! Parliament’s postcode will go on to represent the ACT in the national finals later this year.
This is Capital Hill’s second territory win after 2021, with a gong for Fyshwick in between.
Here are the final standings:
Capital Hill: 26.9%
Fyshwick: 21.1%
Canberra: 15.6%
Belconnen: 10.9%
Gungahlin: 7.6%
Oaks Estate: 7.4%
Charnwood: 6%
Kambah: 4.5%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for the Northern Territory’s Shittest Town! If you have any mates who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Kempsey
A rusting hulk of a town halfway between Brisbane and Sydney, Kempsey exists purely as a service centre for nearby places where people actually want to go. The town is so shit that it was not only bypassed by the rebuilt Pacific Highway but given a five-kilometre radius at a cost of millions of dollars to be on the safe side. The new bypass includes the longest bridge in Australia—the government broke a national record just to avoid the place.
Kempsey is renowned around the country for its two biggest exports: Slim Dusty and meth. The prolific Slim Dusty released over a hundred punishing albums of country songs, also known as ‘bush ballads’ or ‘purdy music sounds’. An estimated tens of thousands of sheilas have been impregnated by their brothers to a Dusty ditty. Kempsey is also famous for recording the highest ‘no’ vote in the 1967 referendum to recognise the Indigenous as people, adding rampant racism to its redneck rap sheet.
Kempsey is also well known as a crime-ridden craphole where even second-floor windows are adorned with iron bars, or ‘Kempsey curtains’. The town is crawling with gronks bricking each other, thugs mugging people on the railway pedestrian bridge and stray dogs picking through garbage. Activities for kids include asking strangers for ciggies, getting pregnant during P.E. class, and jumping off bridges into the turd-riddled river while trying not to land on the artificial reef made of dumped shopping trolleys and stolen dirt bikes. As if the crime weren’t enough, Kempsey is also built on a flood plain so often finds itself underwater, which is when local yokels usually have their annual bath.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Western Australia Slang Map
A slang map of Western Australia by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Previous maps in this series: Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra, Gold Coast, Newcastle, Illawarra, Central Coast, Sunshine Coast, Tasmania, Queensland, New Zealand.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Gladstone, QLD — Gronk jailed after deliberately crashing car being driven by his pregnant partner and bashing random driver with fire hydrant cover
Kingston, TAS — Drunk woman kicks, bites and chokes 16-year-old girl because she thought she was filming her
Sydney, NSW — Antisemites chant bullshit on steps of Opera House; woman convicted for pretending to be a doctor on TikTok
Brisbane, QLD — Python takes over family’s toilet for 3 days
Shoalwater Bay, QLD — Low-flying choppers trigger horny croc fuck-fest
Adelaide, SA — Man receives burns as home targeted in molotov cocktail attack
Yallah, NSW — P-plater busted doing 170km/h in a Holden Spark
Ingham, QLD — Man fined $5k for punching and kicking ATM that swallowed his bank card
Machete-wielding men smash into home with an axe — Machete-wielding men smash into home with an axe
Port Pirie, SA — ‘Welcome to Pt Pirie’ painted on rail carriage abandoned by main entrance to town; still shit